The Scale’s Ups and Downs

A month has gone by since the start of my journey. I’m 16 lbs lighter. I wanted more weight loss, faster weight loss – 16 lbs lost when I need to lose 245 lbs total is a drop in a bucket, a sad little “plop” without so much as a satisfying “Splash”. And it’s going even slower now. I’m only losing two lbs a week now (sometimes less). Two pounds a week in a journey of 245 lbs is a long long way away. But it’s one step at a time, one pound at a time… no scratch that …it’s halves and quarters of a pound at a time.

It makes it so much harder when you wake up one day and somehow you’ve gained 2 lbs (or more) over night. This has happened to me three times in the past month. I look back on my food journal and realize these gains come on the days that my boyfriend spends with me all day. These are the days he takes me out to eat; We often eat at his favorite spots on his days off, and unfortunately they aren’t the healthiest places to eat (how do you eat healthy at a Chinese greasy spoon? Or a greasy burger joint?). These little 2 and 3 pound set backs make things so much more difficult for me emotionally and physically. It’s hard when you’ve worked your butt off all week to lose 3 lbs just to wake up to find two of those lbs have come back overnight. I need to figure this out; How do I keep this from happening again and again? I can’t stop going out with him to his favorite places, he would be devastated. But I can’t keep fighting those 2 and 3 lb overnight weight gains either. HELP! Any advice?

Portion Control

For me the key to weight loss and portion control- SLOW DOWN. Take every bite slowly and force yourself to really TASTE every single bite. From first to last, no mater what you’re eating. No distractions, turn off the tv, put down the book, and eat it (the food not the book) by yourself so no one is trying to talk to you and distract you. It used to be when I’m eating I’d be watching TV, or reading a book, or talking to my boyfriend. These things are great on their own, but they distract me from what I am doing and before I know it the meal, desert, or snack is over and I didn’t really enjoy it because I wasn’t fully taking it in. Every taste, smell, and texture needs to be experience and enjoyed. But most people don’t. They eat too fast or are too distracted to really savor their meal. I think this is why a lot of people overeat (I’m sure that’s why I often did), because they don’t get satisfaction with the smaller amounts because they are too distracted to really enjoy it. When you really are in the moment, really tasting every bite, you will feel satisfied and content with smaller portions.

Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Ralph Marston

“Before” Pictures – Weight Loss Journey

I thought I’d post the “Before” pictures of my weight loss. Since these where only taken three weeks ago or so I still pretty much look like this (because a few pounds weight difference is really hard to see on someone my size – I’ll have to lose at least 50 lbs before the difference is noticeable). I’ve lost 15 lbs since starting this journey. It’s coming off slowly – it’s slowed down to about 2 lbs a week (but since most of the weight loss information, books, and sites recommend losing 1-2 lbs a week I’m not going to worry right now that it’s so slow). I do hope to start losing more quickly soon though, but I’m still noodling out what works for me and what works for my body to accomplish a faster weight loss. Two pounds a week is fine but I want to lose faster than that.

Ok so here are the pictures. These where taken about a week and a half into my diet after I’d already lost about 9 lbs. I was at 376 lbs. in these pictures.

I have a long way too go – 230 more pounds to lose before I reach my goal. It seems a daunting task, a task of great magnitude. But I look at it one day at a time, one pound at a time. I know I will get there. I am on my way.

“It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Inches Lost – 20 days

So I’ve been keeping track of my inches as well as my weight. I started taking my measurement in inches 20 days ago and thought I’d post the changes today. I figure 20 days is long enough to see a difference (even if it’s a small difference):

Wrist= down 1/4 an inch

Forearm= down 1/4  inch

Bicep= down 1/4 inch

Neck= no change

Breasts= no change (thank you GOD!)

Waist= down 2 inches (the way some of my clothes are fitting now I thought this number would be bigger)

Hips= down 1 inch

Thigh= down 1/2 inch

Calve= down 1/2 inch

Ankle= down 1/4 inch

I was hoping the inches lost would be much bigger, after all it’s been about 3 weeks. Oh well, I guess slow change is best – the better for my skin to hopefully keep up with my weight loss; I don’t want to end up with a hell of a lot of excess flabby skin like I see often with people who have had rapid weight loss. God knows I can’t afford to have it “removed” when all is said and done. lol

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke

One of Those “Calorie Counting People”…

I thought I could get through this without becoming one of those obsessed women who counts all the calories in all the foods she eats. I didn’t want to be a food weigher and measurer. I thought if I just used sound judgment and chose “healthy foods” I wouldn’t need to have to count the calories. Here was my wake-up call: When I was making a sandwich two days ago I automatically reached for the mayo, but then thought – ‘no I better go with mustard, it’s less fattening’. Why on earth I assumed that mustard is less fattening is beyond me. To me it just seemed to be obvious. However I glanced at the calories of that mustard out of curiosity and it stopped me dead in my tracks. It has 113 calories per TEASPOON, my jaw nearly hit the floor. I thought, ‘oh hell, if mustard has this many calories I hate to know how much is in mayo’. But I had to know; I grabbed the jar to take a look. Only 90 calories per TABLESPOON. What a difference! Still quite a few calories, but compared to the mustard it’s no contest. This floored me and I wondered what other foods I had assumed where less fattening but might really be a dieter’s nightmare.

I then got online and started looking up some of my favorite foods and even some of my “healthiest” foods. I was shocked to find that a banana has 200 calories! Holy moley, I might as well be eating a candy bar with that many calories (though, bananas have a lot more nutritional value). If I had five bananas in one day it would be a THOUSAND – 1,000 – calories (I’ve gotten close, I’ve eaten four in one day before)! And some salads can contain upwards of 600+ calories based on what salad dressing is on it. This was my wake-up call to start counting calories. I had no idea that some foods I formerly thought where very healthy and non-fattening are indeed loaded with calories. As if that wasn’t bad enough I just about started crying when I saw the carb content of some of my favorite fruits and veggies! Carb-a-licious! Heaven help me! But this explained why I had GAINED 2 and a half pounds over the past couple days, despite nearly killing myself in my workouts.

This is so depressing. Now I’m going to have to be one of those calorie counter people, having to find the calorie and carb content of every thing I put in my mouth. And add them all up throughout the day to make sure they don’t get too high. Next thing you know I’m going to have to buy a friggin’ food scale and start measuring all my portions in little measuring cups. I just want to crawl back to bed and cry. Why the hell does this have to be so hard!? Who has time for this crap?

The “Feeling Full” Button Reactivated

I finally know what thin people feel like after they eat a meal. I’m eating less and eating healthier and some how that coupled with working out 6 days a week has activated something in me I thought was a myth – the “You Are Now Full” button. Don’t get me wrong, I knew what “full” feels like, but it was always a “fat full”. The kind of full where you are full but if someone set a piece of my favorite desert in front of me I would still somehow find the room, even if I could only eat a couple bites. Not so anymore. Now when I’m full I just have no desire to eat anything, no mater how tasty it might be. I think this is how it’s supposed to be. That when someone is full they lose all interest in food. ALL INTEREST. A light bulb moment – this is why thin people rarely overeat. And this is why fat people gain weight effortlessly. Something inside goes wonky and that full button gets deactivated (or at least muffled).

I don’t know how it happened but I’m glad my Full Button is working at 100% (for the first time in my LIFE). I’ve never been able to put down a fork in the middle of a meal before – with half a plate of very yummy food still sitting there. I always thought it was a “self control” issue, but I never realized that something in me wasn’t working right. That part of the brain that turns off all appetite wasn’t working. I didn’t know the desire for food could be turned off so completely and so immediately. This is heavenly, I am so jazzed about this! How EASY to turn down food now – I never dreamed that would be possible! I want to cry I’m so happy! How did this happen? I hope this isn’t a fluke. I hope this lasts!

The Bondage of Self

You are not what dress size you wear, you are not the numbers on the scale, you are not the clothes you have in your closet or the car you have in your driveway. When you break free of the bondage of self you emerge into a place of peace and contentment. To the very core I know that this is truth. And yet every day I make my way to the scale and pray for the numbers to go down. Every day my mood is set by what I see, good or bad, and it’s often hard to change that mood. Today the scale was up a pound and a half and I have been struggling to find a mood of happiness and joy today. Could it really be because of some damned numbers on a scale? Am I really that shallow? And I think of how idiotic that is. How utterly self-centered and moronic that my day is even effected by those little black digital numbers between my feet.

I know without being told that I am suffering the bondage of self, and I can’t believe how ridiculous I am. And yet I can’t seem to be anything else at this time in my life. I was happier when I didn’t care what the scale said. I was “lighter” (in an emotional sense). But I know that I’m healthier now than I have ever been. I’m working out six days a week and eating healthier than any time in my life. But I don’t want to be consumed by this, and I can see it happening. I can see it coming, creeping upon me like a thick fog across a body of water. And I don’t want it to happen but I know if I stop I will wake up five years from now 10, 15, 20 pounds heavier and be in a very unhealthy place. Maybe obsession is going to be what it takes to lose the weight. Nothing else has worked.

I know that I’m feeling better physically then I have in a very very long time. I don’ t know… Does this rant even make sense? …Maybe I’m just PMSing… Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Three Weeks – 13.2 lbs

This is the last day of week 3 of my lifestyle change. As of this morning’s weigh-in I’ve lost 13.2 pounds (that’s almost a stone for those of you across the pond) in the past three weeks. I feel good, I can actually see that my face looks a little thinner, standing naked in front of a mirror I can see the difference (though at my size I’m sure no one else can see the difference), and I have SO MUCH more energy!

In the past I would have gone a week and a half, two weeks tops, and then given up. I’m going into my fourth week and I see no signs of stopping. The key that is working for me (something I’ve never tried before) is – I don’t deprive myself. When I start denying myself what I want I’m sure to fail. I eat what I want, when I want (just maybe not as much as I want lol). And here’s one of the coolest parts – I have found that the more fruits and veggies and natural foods I eat the less I have a taste for processed and junk food. So the easier it is to NOT WANT those foods. Like last night, my boyfriend and I went to Trader Joe’s. He grabbed a box of one of his favorites – Chocolate Icecream Bon Bons. When we get home he snatched the box out of the bag while I’m putting the groceries away and eats all 6 of his before I can even get the groceries put away. I on the other hand looked at the six remaining in the box and felt no desire to devour them (though in the past I would have been right there with him, scarfing them up). I placed three on a plate and went to check my email. Before I know it they are half melted and just sitting their staring at me like “awww you no love us anymore”. lol Honestly and truly I could care less whether I ate them or not. THAT’S A FRIGGIN MIRACLE!

When I first started I had to force myself to eat more fruits and veggies, I would eat them along side the other stuff I craved, now I crave the healthier food more than the junk. This healthier look at food along with my daily exercise has caused the pounds to come of quite quickly for me. I’m so excited!

Snack Tip – Keep cherry tomatoes (if you like them) in the fridge at all times along with those little individual boxes of raisins in the cabinet. Instead of reaching for a bag of chips (that’s crisps for those of you across the pond) next time grab the cherry tomatoes and raisins. One cup cherry tomatoes is only 27 calories. I tell myself if I still feel like having the chips after I eat the healthier stuff then I will let myself eat the chips. Guess what? Nine times out of ten after I’ve had some of the cherry tomatoes and eaten the raisins I don’t feel like having the chips anymore. 🙂

The Pain of Being Fat

I was inspired by another blog where I read about the pain of being a fat girl in today’s society. I decided to do my own list in the same fashion. Here is my pain, the pain of the fat girl:

Wondering if the seat belt will fit Pain

Sizing up that little/flimsy chair and worrying that it’s going to break Pain

Wanting people to look at me and see me, instead of just seeing fat and looking no farther Pain

Going grocery shopping and getting looks of disgust Pain

Trying to put on pantyhose and realizing that they don’t make them in my size Pain

Constantly being the butt of jokes Pain

Being smothered by clothes in the sweltering heat of summer Pain

Not being able to wear shorts and sleeveless shirts and enjoy the sun instead of frying in it Pain

Having a holiday meal with my family and being made to feel unworthy of eating Pain

Going into a normal store and knowing that the only thing that I can have are the socks Pain

Not being able to wear clothes that are cute and fashionable – aka having to wear the nightmare granny clothes that are forced upon fat people Pain

Never experiencing the joy and fun of a pool party Pain

Working out at the gym and getting “those looks” – ‘Oh no, she’s going to get her FAT LARD SWEAT all over the equipment’ Pain

Feeling like I have to hide every time someone brings out a camera Pain

Going to the doctor and getting lectured on my weight (every time), regardless of what I went in for Pain

Ordering at a restaurant and getting judgmental looks if I happen to order anything other than a salad and water Pain

Being in a crowded room and be treated like “fat is catching” Pain

Going out with a group of people and always be the biggest one Pain

Never being the girl getting “checked out” Pain

People assuming that any guy who would be with me must be some weirdo with a fetish Pain

Not being able to ride any of the rides Pain

Being in a crowded elevator and being looked at like I’m Hitler because I’m taking up “too much space” Pain

Listening to thin girls complain about how “fat” they are Pain

Finding fat jokes or criticisms about fat people or the fear of being fat in every tv show, movie, and magazine Pain

Being bombarded with the idea that fat = disgusting and ugly every where I turn Pain

These are only a few of the reason why I’m losing weight. Being a fat girl in today’s society is detrimental to my emotional and mental health. I’ve been fat my entire life – for 30 years. And I’m tired, so tired of the pain of being a fat girl in today’s society. I don’t want to be fat anymore.

When clothes fall off your ass!

Walking to the kitchen to refill my water bottle usually isn’t an uproariously funny excursion. Today, however, it proved to be. When about 3/4 of the way to the kitchen my favorite comfy lounge-about-the-house skirt slid right down off my hips and half way down my ass!  I stopped in my tracks with what was most likely and extremely comical look of utter shock on my face, followed by, a split second later, a full gut-busting roar of laughter! As I yanked my skirt up I realized this is the first time in my entire life that my clothes actually started FALLING OFF ME! I stood in the kitchen laughing and giggling like a school girl for five minutes. After I got myself back together and refilled my water bottle I headed back to my computer when it happened AGAIN! Fooooom, right down my hips exposing my bum. Needless to say my favorite skirt is now unwearable.

I’m not losing lbs as fast as I would like but I’m sure as hell losing inches! This is awesome!

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