The Scale’s Ups and Downs

A month has gone by since the start of my journey. I’m 16 lbs lighter. I wanted more weight loss, faster weight loss – 16 lbs lost when I need to lose 245 lbs total is a drop in a bucket, a sad little “plop” without so much as a satisfying “Splash”. And it’s going even slower now. I’m only losing two lbs a week now (sometimes less). Two pounds a week in a journey of 245 lbs is a long long way away. But it’s one step at a time, one pound at a time… no scratch that …it’s halves and quarters of a pound at a time.

It makes it so much harder when you wake up one day and somehow you’ve gained 2 lbs (or more) over night. This has happened to me three times in the past month. I look back on my food journal and realize these gains come on the days that my boyfriend spends with me all day. These are the days he takes me out to eat; We often eat at his favorite spots on his days off, and unfortunately they aren’t the healthiest places to eat (how do you eat healthy at a Chinese greasy spoon? Or a greasy burger joint?). These little 2 and 3 pound set backs make things so much more difficult for me emotionally and physically. It’s hard when you’ve worked your butt off all week to lose 3 lbs just to wake up to find two of those lbs have come back overnight. I need to figure this out; How do I keep this from happening again and again? I can’t stop going out with him to his favorite places, he would be devastated. But I can’t keep fighting those 2 and 3 lb overnight weight gains either. HELP! Any advice?

Portion Control

For me the key to weight loss and portion control- SLOW DOWN. Take every bite slowly and force yourself to really TASTE every single bite. From first to last, no mater what you’re eating. No distractions, turn off the tv, put down the book, and eat it (the food not the book) by yourself so no one is trying to talk to you and distract you. It used to be when I’m eating I’d be watching TV, or reading a book, or talking to my boyfriend. These things are great on their own, but they distract me from what I am doing and before I know it the meal, desert, or snack is over and I didn’t really enjoy it because I wasn’t fully taking it in. Every taste, smell, and texture needs to be experience and enjoyed. But most people don’t. They eat too fast or are too distracted to really savor their meal. I think this is why a lot of people overeat (I’m sure that’s why I often did), because they don’t get satisfaction with the smaller amounts because they are too distracted to really enjoy it. When you really are in the moment, really tasting every bite, you will feel satisfied and content with smaller portions.

Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality.

Ralph Marston

“Before” Pictures – Weight Loss Journey

I thought I’d post the “Before” pictures of my weight loss. Since these where only taken three weeks ago or so I still pretty much look like this (because a few pounds weight difference is really hard to see on someone my size – I’ll have to lose at least 50 lbs before the difference is noticeable). I’ve lost 15 lbs since starting this journey. It’s coming off slowly – it’s slowed down to about 2 lbs a week (but since most of the weight loss information, books, and sites recommend losing 1-2 lbs a week I’m not going to worry right now that it’s so slow). I do hope to start losing more quickly soon though, but I’m still noodling out what works for me and what works for my body to accomplish a faster weight loss. Two pounds a week is fine but I want to lose faster than that.

Ok so here are the pictures. These where taken about a week and a half into my diet after I’d already lost about 9 lbs. I was at 376 lbs. in these pictures.

I have a long way too go – 230 more pounds to lose before I reach my goal. It seems a daunting task, a task of great magnitude. But I look at it one day at a time, one pound at a time. I know I will get there. I am on my way.

“It is not enough to take steps which may some day lead to a goal; each step must be itself a goal and a step likewise.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Inches Lost – 20 days

So I’ve been keeping track of my inches as well as my weight. I started taking my measurement in inches 20 days ago and thought I’d post the changes today. I figure 20 days is long enough to see a difference (even if it’s a small difference):

Wrist= down 1/4 an inch

Forearm= down 1/4  inch

Bicep= down 1/4 inch

Neck= no change

Breasts= no change (thank you GOD!)

Waist= down 2 inches (the way some of my clothes are fitting now I thought this number would be bigger)

Hips= down 1 inch

Thigh= down 1/2 inch

Calve= down 1/2 inch

Ankle= down 1/4 inch

I was hoping the inches lost would be much bigger, after all it’s been about 3 weeks. Oh well, I guess slow change is best – the better for my skin to hopefully keep up with my weight loss; I don’t want to end up with a hell of a lot of excess flabby skin like I see often with people who have had rapid weight loss. God knows I can’t afford to have it “removed” when all is said and done. lol

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.
Arthur C. Clarke

One of Those “Calorie Counting People”…

I thought I could get through this without becoming one of those obsessed women who counts all the calories in all the foods she eats. I didn’t want to be a food weigher and measurer. I thought if I just used sound judgment and chose “healthy foods” I wouldn’t need to have to count the calories. Here was my wake-up call: When I was making a sandwich two days ago I automatically reached for the mayo, but then thought – ‘no I better go with mustard, it’s less fattening’. Why on earth I assumed that mustard is less fattening is beyond me. To me it just seemed to be obvious. However I glanced at the calories of that mustard out of curiosity and it stopped me dead in my tracks. It has 113 calories per TEASPOON, my jaw nearly hit the floor. I thought, ‘oh hell, if mustard has this many calories I hate to know how much is in mayo’. But I had to know; I grabbed the jar to take a look. Only 90 calories per TABLESPOON. What a difference! Still quite a few calories, but compared to the mustard it’s no contest. This floored me and I wondered what other foods I had assumed where less fattening but might really be a dieter’s nightmare.

I then got online and started looking up some of my favorite foods and even some of my “healthiest” foods. I was shocked to find that a banana has 200 calories! Holy moley, I might as well be eating a candy bar with that many calories (though, bananas have a lot more nutritional value). If I had five bananas in one day it would be a THOUSAND – 1,000 – calories (I’ve gotten close, I’ve eaten four in one day before)! And some salads can contain upwards of 600+ calories based on what salad dressing is on it. This was my wake-up call to start counting calories. I had no idea that some foods I formerly thought where very healthy and non-fattening are indeed loaded with calories. As if that wasn’t bad enough I just about started crying when I saw the carb content of some of my favorite fruits and veggies! Carb-a-licious! Heaven help me! But this explained why I had GAINED 2 and a half pounds over the past couple days, despite nearly killing myself in my workouts.

This is so depressing. Now I’m going to have to be one of those calorie counter people, having to find the calorie and carb content of every thing I put in my mouth. And add them all up throughout the day to make sure they don’t get too high. Next thing you know I’m going to have to buy a friggin’ food scale and start measuring all my portions in little measuring cups. I just want to crawl back to bed and cry. Why the hell does this have to be so hard!? Who has time for this crap?

The “Feeling Full” Button Reactivated

I finally know what thin people feel like after they eat a meal. I’m eating less and eating healthier and some how that coupled with working out 6 days a week has activated something in me I thought was a myth – the “You Are Now Full” button. Don’t get me wrong, I knew what “full” feels like, but it was always a “fat full”. The kind of full where you are full but if someone set a piece of my favorite desert in front of me I would still somehow find the room, even if I could only eat a couple bites. Not so anymore. Now when I’m full I just have no desire to eat anything, no mater how tasty it might be. I think this is how it’s supposed to be. That when someone is full they lose all interest in food. ALL INTEREST. A light bulb moment – this is why thin people rarely overeat. And this is why fat people gain weight effortlessly. Something inside goes wonky and that full button gets deactivated (or at least muffled).

I don’t know how it happened but I’m glad my Full Button is working at 100% (for the first time in my LIFE). I’ve never been able to put down a fork in the middle of a meal before – with half a plate of very yummy food still sitting there. I always thought it was a “self control” issue, but I never realized that something in me wasn’t working right. That part of the brain that turns off all appetite wasn’t working. I didn’t know the desire for food could be turned off so completely and so immediately. This is heavenly, I am so jazzed about this! How EASY to turn down food now – I never dreamed that would be possible! I want to cry I’m so happy! How did this happen? I hope this isn’t a fluke. I hope this lasts!

The Bondage of Self

You are not what dress size you wear, you are not the numbers on the scale, you are not the clothes you have in your closet or the car you have in your driveway. When you break free of the bondage of self you emerge into a place of peace and contentment. To the very core I know that this is truth. And yet every day I make my way to the scale and pray for the numbers to go down. Every day my mood is set by what I see, good or bad, and it’s often hard to change that mood. Today the scale was up a pound and a half and I have been struggling to find a mood of happiness and joy today. Could it really be because of some damned numbers on a scale? Am I really that shallow? And I think of how idiotic that is. How utterly self-centered and moronic that my day is even effected by those little black digital numbers between my feet.

I know without being told that I am suffering the bondage of self, and I can’t believe how ridiculous I am. And yet I can’t seem to be anything else at this time in my life. I was happier when I didn’t care what the scale said. I was “lighter” (in an emotional sense). But I know that I’m healthier now than I have ever been. I’m working out six days a week and eating healthier than any time in my life. But I don’t want to be consumed by this, and I can see it happening. I can see it coming, creeping upon me like a thick fog across a body of water. And I don’t want it to happen but I know if I stop I will wake up five years from now 10, 15, 20 pounds heavier and be in a very unhealthy place. Maybe obsession is going to be what it takes to lose the weight. Nothing else has worked.

I know that I’m feeling better physically then I have in a very very long time. I don’ t know… Does this rant even make sense? …Maybe I’m just PMSing… Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

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