The Bondage of Self

You are not what dress size you wear, you are not the numbers on the scale, you are not the clothes you have in your closet or the car you have in your driveway. When you break free of the bondage of self you emerge into a place of peace and contentment. To the very core I know that this is truth. And yet every day I make my way to the scale and pray for the numbers to go down. Every day my mood is set by what I see, good or bad, and it’s often hard to change that mood. Today the scale was up a pound and a half and I have been struggling to find a mood of happiness and joy today. Could it really be because of some damned numbers on a scale? Am I really that shallow? And I think of how idiotic that is. How utterly self-centered and moronic that my day is even effected by those little black digital numbers between my feet.

I know without being told that I am suffering the bondage of self, and I can’t believe how ridiculous I am. And yet I can’t seem to be anything else at this time in my life. I was happier when I didn’t care what the scale said. I was “lighter” (in an emotional sense). But I know that I’m healthier now than I have ever been. I’m working out six days a week and eating healthier than any time in my life. But I don’t want to be consumed by this, and I can see it happening. I can see it coming, creeping upon me like a thick fog across a body of water. And I don’t want it to happen but I know if I stop I will wake up five years from now 10, 15, 20 pounds heavier and be in a very unhealthy place. Maybe obsession is going to be what it takes to lose the weight. Nothing else has worked.

I know that I’m feeling better physically then I have in a very very long time. I don’ t know… Does this rant even make sense? …Maybe I’m just PMSing… Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. healthandfoodforum
    May 20, 2010 @ 01:41:12

    Is their a family member or friend that could “monitor” the scale for you and then tell you if you are staying the course with your weight loss goals? That way, you don’t know the number, but you will have a “yes” or “no” answer to motivate you to continue your efforts. Do you think that will work?

    I love your title. Many people feel the way you do. It is nice that you can express it. Hopefully others will feel comfort knowing they are not alone

    Reply

    • HealthyForMe
      May 20, 2010 @ 04:18:06

      That’s a cool idea, to have a family member do that for me. But I have moved out here to California to be with my boyfriend and he’s the only one here that I know. And, truth be told, he’s not a big fan of my weight loss efforts. He met me at my biggest time and he likes my big butt and big breasts and is afraid of losing that I think. So I wouldn’t feel right asking him to do that (even if I was comfortable with him knowing how much I weigh).

      I’ll figure this out, I have to. I think this obsession is probably a good thing and will get me to my goal. 🙂

      Thank you for the sweet words and encouragement. I too hope that my struggle might help someone else.

      Reply

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